Augustine

The experiment is drawing to a close. It is near the end, and now is a final time of reflection and self-analyzing. What have I really gained from this experiment? What have I learned? If nothing else, I have learned that Total Dependence upon God takes an incredible amount of work. I will not say that it is hard; no, anyone in the world can do this. Literally. No matter what the situation is, it fits. The actual putting into practice is where the difficulty lies. If I have gained anything from this, if I am to take anything away, if I should encourage you at all, reader, it is the knowledge and realization that I have lived, for the majority of my life, dependent not upon God, but on myself.
I'm not looking upon this as a single event, though. This is only the beginning to something much much larger than me. This concept of being totally dependent reaches into the core of the message of Christ. It is choosing to take part in a dance. To drink from a river that flows deep under the surface of Self; the eternal spring which all men were intended to drink from. This is a catalyst to something huge. I am going, as Aslan urged, "further up and further in". It is a bold and terrifying step. It doesn't even seem rational. Robots could not take this step. Cutting away all the arguments, doctrines, and theology that sounds well on paper, the whole practice is no less frightening. It is going against all one's ever known. It is giving up relying on self and handing the reigns to God. But living by and for the Self will always hold you back, you must be saying. This is so true. At the same time, however, it is at least something I know, and familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a sense of security. The type of security that comes out of thinking that even though I am miserable, at least I shall be in control. This is not permanent, however, and shall not matter at the end of all things.
Despite the fears that scream at me with every keystroke, the decision remains. I don't know where this will lead or what will happen, but I know that being totally dependent on God means acknowledging that he is bigger than my fears and smarter than my doubts. I ask for all who read this to look into the relationship you have with God and strive to know him deeper and more intimately.