Saturday, March 1, 2008
This week, like all weeks, has had both its ups and downs. It seems like there has been more downs than ups. I'll be honest with this; it's not an easy task. It isn't that I don't want to be more dependent on God; quite the contrary. I desperately wish to give my entire life to him, but when push comes to shove, giving it all to God seems so vague, so dangerous, so careless. Doubt and fear seems to rule over every action. How am I supposed to know he will follow through with his promises? What if I fail? What if it all fouls up in my face and I am left there looking utterly ridiculous? I guess these have always been there; I've just mistaken them for common sense and self-preservation. I am quite weak. I'll admit that right now. And I don't mean that in a very broad and humble-in-front-of-others sort of vein. I can't do it on my own. I don't know where to start or what it looks like or if it is even possible. Everyone thinks that taking a leap of faith is very noble and grand. In reality it is terrifying. I guess that's one aspect of faith. It's the only thing you've got when all of your arguments and theories unravel in front of you. When you cannot stand on your own merit, but when you are hanging by thin rope that you are clinging to for dear life. I think this is where Jesus was when he was in Gethsemane. This isn't a long entry for me, but I'll end with a passage that speaks to me so much, taken from the time directly after Elijah had called fire from heaven at Mount Carmel:
" And the word of the Lord came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He replied, "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."
- I Kings 19:9-10