Saturday, March 1, 2008


This week, like all weeks, has had both its ups and downs. It seems like there has been more downs than ups. I'll be honest with this; it's not an easy task. It isn't that I don't want to be more dependent on God; quite the contrary. I desperately wish to give my entire life to him, but when push comes to shove, giving it all to God seems so vague, so dangerous, so careless. Doubt and fear seems to rule over every action. How am I supposed to know he will follow through with his promises? What if I fail? What if it all fouls up in my face and I am left there looking utterly ridiculous? I guess these have always been there; I've just mistaken them for common sense and self-preservation. I am quite weak. I'll admit that right now. And I don't mean that in a very broad and humble-in-front-of-others sort of vein. I can't do it on my own. I don't know where to start or what it looks like or if it is even possible. Everyone thinks that taking a leap of faith is very noble and grand. In reality it is terrifying. I guess that's one aspect of faith. It's the only thing you've got when all of your arguments and theories unravel in front of you. When you cannot stand on your own merit, but when you are hanging by thin rope that you are clinging to for dear life. I think this is where Jesus was when he was in Gethsemane. This isn't a long entry for me, but I'll end with a passage that speaks to me so much, taken from the time directly after Elijah had called fire from heaven at Mount Carmel:

" And the word of the Lord came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He replied, "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

- I Kings 19:9-10


~Silver Lining~ said...

God said, " power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) I admire your honesty & humility. You have humbled yourself now let Him to do the rest.

Toby said...

I feel like I can relate. I have had such a hard time since I have been here in Lubbock, and I oftentimes question my motives and my heart. Sometimes pain and doubt rule every thought and action of my life, and I'm trying to be a missionary!

And sometimes people make you feel worse when they assume your honesty about yourself is really humility.

One thing I must remind myself of daily is that my personal pain doesn't make God stop being God. Quite the contrary, my pain points to the fact that God has something to complete in my life.

Philippians 1:6 is my defining verse: "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

When I doubt God; when I try to see his face, but can't see through the fog, I hold to a hope that God started something in my life, and he will finish it. Sometimes I'm tempted to give up because I can't see my progress now, or my victory in the end. But I can recall the beginning. Check out verses like Eph. 2, 2 Tim. 2:8, and Heb. 10. We are told to remember our time outside of Christ, as well as the beginning of our walk with him.

I may know nothing else other than that God has began, and he will finish. I must learn to be content with that.

Live. Breathe. Continue. Part of being dependent on God is letting him finish the good He has started when you're too tired to keep trying.

I love you.

............................................................Totally Dependent said...

I definately understand what you are saying and I can relate to what you feel. Thank you so much for being so honest and humbling yourself. It's really encouraging. Now that you've taken that step let God do the rest. Even though it can be hard, take heart. God loves us and he WILL take care of it.

Jenni said...

No matter what happens in your life, no one can ever take from you your faith, your hope, or the love that God has filled you with. Only YOU can give them up.

In the time we live in understand that WHAT you believe, even WHY you believe, often is not enough to convince people to put their faith in Christ. Still, HOW you LIVE what you believe will make an impression that words cannot.

Feeling weak, confused, even doubtful is a sign that you are closer to Him than you likely ever have been. When you feel this the most, look to the Psalms, they will open your eyes.