Thursday, March 6, 2008

*Porcelain Heart*

Where do I start? I have so much weighing on my heart and so many thoughts running through my head that I'm not sure exactly how to sort through the muddled mess and actually put it to words. I will have to rely on the Spirit...My God to take care of that for me? (ironic isn't it?)

I guess that's really where it all starts. Relying on God to dig through all my mess, make sense of it, and turn it into something glorious...a feat only our God can accomplish. And even further into the heart of it...relying on God to help me rely on Him. This idea is something I've noticed over and over again, especially this week. I cannot depend on my God without his constant help, for apart from Him I can do nothing.

In all honesty though, I find myself, not necessarily trying to but none-the-less, living either without searching for that depending help from God or living without depending on Him at all. It's so hard and, especially for me, can be really discouraging/ disheartening. All too often I discover that I have hindered myself from depending on Him. My selfish desires, impatience, and pride get in the way and in reality cut off that connection. Many times, even after pleading with God to remind me that I need that dependent connection with him, I'll get distracted and forget throughout the course of my day.

So I find myself absentmindedly attempting to handle the normal 'small' things. Like several people I've talked to, I have no problem giving God the big things, because I know without a doubt that I can't handle those on my own. However, the smaller things...I can easily deceive myself into thinking that somehow I can handle those . No biggie right? psh...ya right. Apart from God I can do nothing! And the thing that throws me is why that's even appealing to me. I mean it should be obvious that every time I try to meddle in something that I know won't do any good, especially things like this that the Lord himself can take care of, that the opposite of good usually happens. Anything has the potential to be good...especially where God is concerned...but If I try it myself, it can potentially come out all wrong. And then I can become more discouraged than before; deeper in my problems/ struggles...and what good does that do? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. So, after analyzing all this...the root of the matter is obvious. I need my God.

Abba, I ask that you'll constantly remind me how much I need you and the nothingness that I am without you. I need you to help me rely on you to help me depend on you. Father I need you, more than I've ever needed anything...I need you and I plead for your constant help and presence to be with me wherever I am. Give me the strength and patience to set aside myself so you can truly come in and do what only you can do...For apart from you, I can do nothing.

James 4:7-8 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."


~Silver Lining~ said...

Your honesty & heartfelt cry show that you truly know what is important in life. God has been waiting for you to cry out to Him as you did in your prayer. He has already answered you - He is w/ you - He is ready to help you. Thank you for reminding me how much we all need Him in our lives! He has great plans for you, my friend!

Beastlyone said...

In your fourth paragraph you really nail the reason why we are tempted to think that God isn't at work in our lives or that we aren't good enough to be used by Him. We begin by isolating God to handle certain things(i.e. the big things or the spiritual things) and not everything. Then, when we fail, we redouble our efforts to do it right. If we have anything that looks like success, it actually slows down the inevitable realization. This realization is that we can't succeed. You drew the right conclusion: You need Jesus - you need a Savior. Others misinterpret the signals and conclude that they're just not good enough to participate in the work of God. The irony is that when they come to this conclusion they are actually taking the place of God, because He said He would use anyone that continued to humble themselves in His presence, whether they thought they were successful or not. When I conclude that God cannot use me, I have concluded that my opinion is superior to God's opinion, thus making myself over God. The good news is that when I have done this, God continues to patiently reach for me, just like He does everyone else. I am excited that you, at a young age, are getting this. The point is we are always in desperate need of a Savior

Cindy Yeats said...

In your prayer, you mentioned "set aside myself" for God. I want you to know that you have been set aside. This is the meaning of holiness. Set apart. I Peter 2:9 says "You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a HOLY nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." an awesome thought. A great whole chapter you might want to check out. God has set you aside. Watch what He chooses to do with you because of that and glorify Him. I love you and I love your heart. Your Mom

Anonymous said...

I am challenged by your experience. I am blessed by your honesty and sincerity. I am encouraged by your example. Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to fail. I've always said exactly what you said--the big things are easy to trust God and it's in the small, everyday things that I fail miserably. I intend to take this lesson to heart and make some changes starting today. Love you~ Your Oldest Cousin